Creating Special Relationships While Busy
A trick that I use to nurture relationships while pulling long hours.
As an M&A lawyer, I have short periods of time to spend with my wife and children. So many of my friends and colleagues struggle to nurture relationships while working long hours. Early in my career, I tried to figure out how so to make short moments immensely meaningful.
I experimented and discovered a little hack to immediately show unique love for my wife and children.
I gave them nicknames. I did it intentionally. While simple, it is actually profound and the concept of a nickname can be applied to make other aspects of the relationship special.
When I was dating my wife, I wanted her to know that we had something special together; something that no one else had. So I took a range of intentional actions to create special things that only we had. One was a nickname. This would make her feel special many times throughout the day, creating a special moment between us each time. Then I created more nicknames for different aspects of her that I love, introduced “our song,” and took note of her favorite foods I could make her.
Some people do this naturally, but it can also be done intentionally.
I wanted my connection with my kids to be special. My 6-year-old is Paz and while we started calling her Pazy (then Pazy Wazy), it didn’t feel special or personal enough, so when she had a sharp tooth in her mouth I started calling her Sharkie because she had a shark tooth. Then, I made a concerted effort to use the nickname until it stuck (not an easy task). When I call her Sharkie she lights up and smiles. Now we have something special between us, forever.
But, it isn’t just a nickname. Children need to feel known by their parents on a deeply intimate level. Anything that tells my kids that I took time to look deep inside them and recognize their uniqueness will communicate that my connection to them is unique. With my son, I have a secret handshake, but it can be special foods, bedtime rituals, picking out the clothes they like, or anything that creates a relationship that no one else has.
My wife told me something early on in our relationship that stuck. After I complained about being a “bad gift giver”, she said, there are no good or bad gift-givers, only people who care about getting to know you and people who don’t. Creating a special relationship is the same. Either we make an effort to think about what will feel special to that person or we don’t.
Having huge blocks of time with the family is amazing, but for those of us with busy careers it is critical to be able to show our love in short burst of time. I suggest assigning them a nickname, they will feel loved each time you use it.
*An abridged version of this was posted on LinkedIn as well.