Let Yourself Wander
This is the third of six Passover posts that aim to inspire us to be better people and professionals.
My five-year-old showed me how the Jews left Egypt carrying Matzah on her back. She told me they wandered in the desert for 40 years.
40 years! I asked her why. Why couldn’t they just leave slavery and start a new nation?
She said they wanted to hike.
But, I knew why they wandered in the desert because I, too have been wandering the desert for the past 3 months.
I have been hesitant to talk about this openly, but I have been wandering my own desert searching for answers.
3 months ago, my 5-year-old got a cough, which turned into pneumonia, which triggered a relapse of her chronic kidney issue. For weeks she slept on the floor of my office unable to get comfortable, I laid on the floor with her between calls and then, at night carried her to my room to sleep. She deteriorated and was admitted to Johns Hopkins Hospital.
I saw this tiny child hooked up to IVs and monitors, poked, prodded, and held down. I was powerless and couldn’t hold it together. I started questioning everything.
Since she was released from the hospital I have been wandering in my desert.
I questioned everything I have been breathlessly pursuing. I questioned my constant pursuit of financial success and my sprint to the next milestone. I questioned my inability to celebrate my successes, I asked myself what is most important to me. I asked my wife what is most important to her. I let my mind wander and tried to picture myself looking back on my life as a 70-year-old.
I wanted to dive back into my work and busy myself, but my wife told me to let myself wander. Let myself feel uncomfortable and uncertain. It is from that wandering that clarity and purpose have come. She gave me permission to wander.
It is Passover and I’m coming to the end of my wandering. From wandering has come clarity. I crystallized my core values, and the path forward has become clear.
Now I know why the Jewish people could not leave slavery and go directly to establish themselves as a people. They had to have uncertainty, strengthen their faith, and clarify their core values; they needed the path forward to materialize.
Passover tells me that self-exploration is not a quick process. It is a journey.
This Passover, we need to step back and give ourselves the space and permission to wander.